Monday, March 16, 2009

You can't get there from here....

A man (defying all stereotypes) stops by the side of the road and asks an old timer for directions.

Scratching his beard, deep in thought, he hesitates, then advises, "You can't get there from here." He goes on to explain that you have to come back the way you came and take a different route to get there...

Like that.

Two years ago in a delusional haze I now know of as a pink fog I had some interest in exploring some cross dressing feelings. My wife discovered some smoky, tacky, thrift-store clothes and decided I was having an affair, apparently with a nude woman with poor taste in clothes.

A long discussion, some timid explorations, bridges of trust built and over time one event and exploration then another and so on led to real intimacy, unfettered sexuality and this blog.

I don't really know where the apogee of these experiences was but I know the nadir. It was when hastily typed divorce papers in hand she announced a little smugly that she had been experimenting with me, sexually. That she had come to the "shocking" conclusion that if I hinted at sex and she "gave in" I seemed easier to get along with, less short, less critical. My, sex does all that? Imagine! Call the relationship experts.

OK, enough snark, I think. That wasn't the point of this post, nor the feeling I had prior to sitting down to type. That flavor is just some residual defensive pain as I think back to that time.

We separated, I crashed at a friends house for the longest period of separation of our entire married life together. I have my opinions about the causation, she agreed at least said so about some of them.

We reconciled. Even seemed to be making some progress back, then stalled like an airplane pulled out of a dive before enough airspeed is achieved.

Sex as I recall was a bit subdued but tender and sincere. Then something.

No idea what.

I am just sure I should know, but I don't. "If you have to ask....." is left unsaid.

My much to be envied position of husband to a marvelously inventive and enthusiastic nymphomaniac is no more.

She reports having no libido.

It is not unreasonable that there could be some medical and attendant hormonal challenges. It is the right time of life for such and there are symptoms and some pain so reticence is perfectly reasonable. A friendly cuddle would seem to be within the possible, but not the likely. She was never fond of even the classic post-coital cuddle. Yet another example of or respective cross-gender expectation wiring.

As I said, she reports that it is quite difficult to find herself in the mood.

I am of a mind to believe her.

Its been two and a half months since we shared any form of intimacy in the bed we share.

We are roommates. That is when my rotating shift puts me in that bed concurrent to her.

As I said to her when I pointed out the two month anniversary of our mutual celibacy, Its not the sex I miss. It is what it seems to imply. Abject rejection.

She always encouraged me to be more comfortable with masturbation. I have. It still feels as lonely as ever but I am much better at it with a shade less guilt than I used to. That's something.

I had a friend who suddenly stopped hearing from a girlfriend, a day stretched to several, then weeks, he finally cornered her. She reported that after a while it felt like an overdue library book that she was too embarrassed to return.

I consider making an approach regularly. Plan little dinners, little times together. Always it gets pushed aside. Part of me harbors churlish resentment. I feel its unfair that on only one occasion in nearly 18 years of marriage have I failed to rise to the occasion when she wanted sexual favors. Admittedly she asked for little that way being fairly self contained in her sexuality. Her time with me felt like a gift from her I think from both of our perspectives. I minded that not much, but still...

It isn't like she didn't seem to enjoy it. On an orgasm-for-orgasm basis, on a level of intensity scale, on any reasonable measure, she seems to have the upper hand when it comes to the benefits derived. In fact, all snarkish tone removed: she seems easier to get along with, less short, less critical when she has shared some connubial bliss.

I genuinely think that the (biological?) (divinely appointed?) (evolved?) reason that humans have sex for other than procreative reasons is it keeps papa wolf returning, eagerly, to the den. It gives mama wolf a reason to smile at his arrival. That it helps to smooth out the bumps inevitable in any relationship. That it mechanically joins bodies to join hearts.

We are both under a lot of stress. I have been a homeowner since I was 19 years old. Always 40 in my mind, my body has caught up. In a few days I will voluntarily or otherwise give up the last vestiges of my lifetime of real estate equity to the bank. In a positive vein for 1/2 of the 80K I am underwater in my once worth 1/3 of a million dollar city home, I am going to buy this double wide on an acre in a truly beautiful little valley. Still, stress is stress. even the good kind On my few oddly scheduled days off, I run back to the soon abandoned house and scavenge through a lifetime of possessions. I drag boxes and crates and hampers of stuff that she must labor to sort through the dust and the debris. A fire and a settlement would have been a lot cleaner and clearly more profitable.

I remember reading somewhere a long time ago something the details of which since forgotten, but the essentials remembered but not oft practiced. You can't wait until....fill in the blank. Could be until the finances are better, until the kids are in school, until until until...

The point was that happiness is a state of mind, takes effort and you need to just decide to be happy and do those things that bring happiness whether there is time for it or not. Whether you have the means or not. Whether you think time or conditions are right or not.

I want what we had.

I want to get there from HERE. Even if I have to find my way back to THERE first or whatever.

I read some true wife confessions tonight. Any number of the negative ones could well be speaking her mind. Likely as not one of them is. Doesn't matter which. I know which could apply and what changes need to occur for the wife who posted to feel some progress.

Would she believe my resolve? Likely not. Is it unreasonable that she would be skeptical of change? No, change is hard. Course correction is difficult with currents and faulty rudders being what they are.

Several were hopeful and upbeat telling of progress made, reconnections. I hope and yearn for one of these epitaphs.

Do I have a plan? Direction? A starting point? Nope.

Waking her up at 1:30 in the morning for a reluctant orgasm would seem ill advised.


Anonymous said...

Maybe just a frank discussion would open doors of communication. Just ask her. You seem so sad. don't let it go on too far. you'll both be unhappy.

Taps said...

I feel your pain brother. I too am in the same situation.

X and I married 10 and a half years ago. What could be better than marrying your best friend? Nothing.

At that time both of us had ragin libidos. Or at least it seemed that way. It may have been the newly married thing, I dont know.

6 years ago our daughter was born, and our sex life became non-existent. Well that isnt true... I have a very active sex life. Just no one else in it.

We have discussed it many times. But nothing has changed. And I am like you: I go long periods of time without sex, and I become easily frustrated, angry, and just a pain to be around. There is just no physical attraction there any more. And the lack of it pisses me off.

I know this isnt all her fault. I never claimed it was. I try. I really do. I do my best to be a supportive and understanding husband. But it is never enough. And I resent the fact that even though this seems to be a problem with her, I am the one who has to make all the changes. I am the one who has to be understanding. I am the one who just has to wait for her. To tell her it is OK, even when it isnt.

I feel like a fool most of the time. My wife has a husband who simply adores her. One who thinks she is the most attractive woman he has ever seen on this planet, inside and out. When we were living in a strange city and drinking all the time, she was down to the lowest weight he had seen her at, and he still thought that.When she was pregnant and gained weight, I still thought that. After she delivered our child and had so much trouble losing it, he still still thought that. A few months ago when she took up running and started losing it, he still thought that. Now that she is down to almost her pre-pregnancy weight, he still thinks that. The only thing constant in her appearance was that I always thought she was gorgeous. And I am lucky to be married to her. And I literally cant keep my hands off of her. She excites me physically and emotionally. To the extent that I have never felt before. If I wasnt an athiest I would include spiritually. Being with her is the closest I have ever come to complete happiness.

On her side... she will half-heartedly fuck me every once in a great while to keep me from being such a dick to be around.

Is all that exactly how it happens? Probably not. But thats how I see it.

A while back, one of our discussion brought up the question of whether or not I had been cheating on her. I had not been, but I was tempted. But it wouldn't have worked. Maybe I have grown up a bit. Maybe it was something else. But I didnt just want to have sex with someone. I wanted to have sex with her. Even in my fantasies, if there is someone else involved, she is there. How sad is that? My greatest fantasy is to be desired by the woman I married. And I dont even come close.

She once mentioned letting me find a girlfriend to satisfy me. She wouldnt go through with it, but the thought had crossed her mind. Before that, she once told me that if I ever did cheat on her, just to not come back home. Ever. Just leave. It would be easier. My how things change. In her mind me wanting to sleep with another woman meant I no longer loved her. Being the man that I am , and thinking the way I do, I did the math. Then what does her not wanting to sleep with me mean?

Its bad when I am at work, and we are talking on the phone, or IMing back and forth. She will end the conversation with "I love you". Out of respect I respond in kind... but in the back of my head I am thinking "YOU SELFISH LYING BITCH! YOU DONT LOVE ME! YOU DONT GIVE A DAMN ABOUT HOW I FEEL!"..... I know it isnt true.... but thats how I feel.

She will come home from work late at night, or back from running or the gym, or just be there when I get home, when I wake up in the morning before work, or when I wake up in the middle of the night.... one look at her and I have a physical need to be with her. That desire just to be close to her, our skin pressing together, holding her close to me...... 99 times out of 100... she just brushes me off. Then that one time she "gives in".... its usually a train wreck..... She wont come out in say it to spare my feelings... but the look of "Hurry up so I can finish the show I was watching" says more than she ever would.

I have this fear... one day, something inside her will change. She will feel a small part of the desire I do. She will wake up in the middle of the night and just have to have me. A physical need. She will go down on me while I am still sleeping just to get part of me prepared for her needs even if the rest of me is still unconsious. And I will wake up in the middle of it.... And punch her in the forehead. Cuz she freaked me out.

No, I am not serious about punching her in the forehead. But I read the rest of this reply and realized it was me whining more than anything. So I figured I would bring some levity to this monologe.

I just want you to know that you arent alone in this. Somewhere in the world, a fellow frustrated man is going through the same thing.

I too am having those internal discussions. Is there anyway to fix this? Do I just stop it altogether and try to start something new? Do I just continue being miserable?

And before anyone gives the advice of just talking it out..... You think that hasnt been tried? Im tired of talking. I have gotten to the point where every month or so I just have the conversation with myself. I know her part well enough that she doesnt even have to be involved in THAT part of our relationship anymore.

Anonymous said...

My husband and I are divorcing over this one. He is 10 years older than me and only gets it up with Viagra and then refuses to take it cause he thinks that he might have a heart attack taking it. WTF The doctor wouldn't have prescribed it if he didn't think my husband could safely take it. He's getting older and thinks that because I am younger I am going to Fu&$ him to death.
I need more, but he is more
interested in the telly. Good luck to you both. Hope you don't end up in divorce court like me. It isn't fun. Thinking about starting over because sex has gone by the wayside. I refuse to shrivel up and act dead because he is paranoid about dying.

The Fellatio Artist & The Geek said...

Annon: Thanks for supporting us...I am a bit wistful I think. Mostly a little selectively bewildered. I want to feel that I have no idea how we got here, but in many ways I know very well.

Taps: Sorry about your situation. I is analogous, but different. It seems in your case it was a gradual but consistant decline. IN our case its so hot and cold. I have trouble not overacting to the temperature extremes. I feel between the lines that you really love your wife, and just can;t reach her in the physical way you crave. statistically, unfortunately you and I are probably the norm not the exceptions. From what I read a staggering number of marriages are sexless which is insane, really. From the male perspective you bought the cow because the milk wasn't free, yet now there is soy based self-serve, soft serve. But I digress...

Annon2: sorry for your loss both of intimacy and your marriage. It sounds like he has some performance anxiety. I imagine him thinking, what if the pill doesn;t work after a while? What if what if? The variance of different people's libidos is startling. I would take it if I KNEW it would shorten my life. On the other hand I used to crave impotence as a younger man with an overactive drive and guilt issues.