You can't get there from here....

A man (defying all stereotypes) stops by the side of the road and asks an old timer for directions.

Scratching his beard, deep in thought, he hesitates, then advises, "You can't get there from here." He goes on to explain that you have to come back the way you came and take a different route to get there...

Like that.

Two years ago in a delusional haze I now know of as a pink fog I had some interest in exploring some cross dressing feelings. My wife discovered some smoky, tacky, thrift-store clothes and decided I was having an affair, apparently with a nude woman with poor taste in clothes.

A long discussion, some timid explorations, bridges of trust built and over time one event and exploration then another and so on led to real intimacy, unfettered sexuality and this blog.

I don't really know where the apogee of these experiences was but I know the nadir. It was when hastily typed divorce papers in hand she announced a little smugly that she had been experimenting with me, sexually. That she had come to the "shocking" conclusion that if I hinted at sex and she "gave in" I seemed easier to get along with, less short, less critical. My, sex does all that? Imagine! Call the relationship experts.

OK, enough snark, I think. That wasn't the point of this post, nor the feeling I had prior to sitting down to type. That flavor is just some residual defensive pain as I think back to that time.

We separated, I crashed at a friends house for the longest period of separation of our entire married life together. I have my opinions about the causation, she agreed at least said so about some of them.

We reconciled. Even seemed to be making some progress back, then stalled like an airplane pulled out of a dive before enough airspeed is achieved.

Sex as I recall was a bit subdued but tender and sincere. Then something.

No idea what.

I am just sure I should know, but I don't. "If you have to ask....." is left unsaid.

My much to be envied position of husband to a marvelously inventive and enthusiastic nymphomaniac is no more.

She reports having no libido.

It is not unreasonable that there could be some medical and attendant hormonal challenges. It is the right time of life for such and there are symptoms and some pain so reticence is perfectly reasonable. A friendly cuddle would seem to be within the possible, but not the likely. She was never fond of even the classic post-coital cuddle. Yet another example of or respective cross-gender expectation wiring.

As I said, she reports that it is quite difficult to find herself in the mood.

I am of a mind to believe her.

Its been two and a half months since we shared any form of intimacy in the bed we share.

We are roommates. That is when my rotating shift puts me in that bed concurrent to her.

As I said to her when I pointed out the two month anniversary of our mutual celibacy, Its not the sex I miss. It is what it seems to imply. Abject rejection.

She always encouraged me to be more comfortable with masturbation. I have. It still feels as lonely as ever but I am much better at it with a shade less guilt than I used to. That's something.

I had a friend who suddenly stopped hearing from a girlfriend, a day stretched to several, then weeks, he finally cornered her. She reported that after a while it felt like an overdue library book that she was too embarrassed to return.

I consider making an approach regularly. Plan little dinners, little times together. Always it gets pushed aside. Part of me harbors churlish resentment. I feel its unfair that on only one occasion in nearly 18 years of marriage have I failed to rise to the occasion when she wanted sexual favors. Admittedly she asked for little that way being fairly self contained in her sexuality. Her time with me felt like a gift from her I think from both of our perspectives. I minded that not much, but still...

It isn't like she didn't seem to enjoy it. On an orgasm-for-orgasm basis, on a level of intensity scale, on any reasonable measure, she seems to have the upper hand when it comes to the benefits derived. In fact, all snarkish tone removed: she seems easier to get along with, less short, less critical when she has shared some connubial bliss.

I genuinely think that the (biological?) (divinely appointed?) (evolved?) reason that humans have sex for other than procreative reasons is it keeps papa wolf returning, eagerly, to the den. It gives mama wolf a reason to smile at his arrival. That it helps to smooth out the bumps inevitable in any relationship. That it mechanically joins bodies to join hearts.

We are both under a lot of stress. I have been a homeowner since I was 19 years old. Always 40 in my mind, my body has caught up. In a few days I will voluntarily or otherwise give up the last vestiges of my lifetime of real estate equity to the bank. In a positive vein for 1/2 of the 80K I am underwater in my once worth 1/3 of a million dollar city home, I am going to buy this double wide on an acre in a truly beautiful little valley. Still, stress is stress. even the good kind On my few oddly scheduled days off, I run back to the soon abandoned house and scavenge through a lifetime of possessions. I drag boxes and crates and hampers of stuff that she must labor to sort through the dust and the debris. A fire and a settlement would have been a lot cleaner and clearly more profitable.

I remember reading somewhere a long time ago something the details of which since forgotten, but the essentials remembered but not oft practiced. You can't wait until....fill in the blank. Could be until the finances are better, until the kids are in school, until until until...

The point was that happiness is a state of mind, takes effort and you need to just decide to be happy and do those things that bring happiness whether there is time for it or not. Whether you have the means or not. Whether you think time or conditions are right or not.

I want what we had.

I want to get there from HERE. Even if I have to find my way back to THERE first or whatever.

I read some true wife confessions tonight. Any number of the negative ones could well be speaking her mind. Likely as not one of them is. Doesn't matter which. I know which could apply and what changes need to occur for the wife who posted to feel some progress.

Would she believe my resolve? Likely not. Is it unreasonable that she would be skeptical of change? No, change is hard. Course correction is difficult with currents and faulty rudders being what they are.

Several were hopeful and upbeat telling of progress made, reconnections. I hope and yearn for one of these epitaphs.

Do I have a plan? Direction? A starting point? Nope.

Waking her up at 1:30 in the morning for a reluctant orgasm would seem ill advised.