Number One? ..on Page One?

Today, was cleaning up spammy comments on several blogs. I popped here and decided this blog was getting an awful lot of hits for a more or less defunct blog.

Defunct. Lacking in funk? Having had all funk removed? Interesting term.

Describes a lot of things.

So, I backtracked a bit. Seems a lot of hits are coming from search engines. With modern heuristics, those filler blogs with a few words cut and pasted from somewhere in effort to sell you something don't fool the folks in Mountain View California or any of the other also-ran cyber bloodhounds.

This blog is full of actual content, words strung together not by 1000 monkeys on 1000 typewriters for 1000 years, but by a very real couple writing very real posts about very real experiences as they together, in love attempted to navigate very treacherous waters.

In hindsight could I in good conscience recommend a similar path to another couple of our general background? No.

Do I have regrets about the blog? Some, but most of my regrets center on not taking advantage of the things we learned about each other along the way to continue building our relationship. It was too easy for me to sit back and pout when our strong sexy relationship hit a plateau and insist that it should continue at its peek without continuing to put effort into it. Personally I had this level of denial that if she wasn't feeling that way now, surely should would in a week or a month or a year.

Anyway, back to the high ranking search terms. I've always been fascinated by that and a little proud when a term lands on the first page of Google for a particular search. I think the highest I noticed was #3 on the first page for something or another.

Sometimes I am pleased, amused or validated that a term is buried in the rankings. For example, "she spanked my bottom hard" lands us on page 63 of Google hits for that term. Someone REALLY wanted to read about that to wade through 63 pages to get here. Sorry, but though I think maybe once or twice (like a lot of things) we tried that, but neither her hand nor my butt got off on that. I remember such times as just appreciating her initiating kink more than the act, you see.

A really detailed query: "why is it that when I masterbate(sic)rubbing on my clit too fast I eventually get to a point where it's too much and I can't take it" landed one of The Artist's posts at the top spot. Dunno if the typo on the person positing the question ironically misspelling the very activity that so enamored her helped bumped it.

Another misspelling brought a question that brings people to this blog often: "how to talk my wife into fillatio (sic)" Not that it is sick, I mean that's how they spelled it. I've covered this before, I didn't talk her into it, it is just something she enjoys. I have come to think of her as an empath (need trekker reference here) she is (sincerely) what her partner needs her to be. Not that she loses herself, she is still her, but with a facet exposed that sparkles for that person.

This brings me to the ironic term. We are not only on page one but the number one blog for the search term "Monogamy Blog"

Wow.... Pause....... Heart-wrenching...Bitter-sweet.

Flood of wistful feelings.

I am only able to be at this blog and possible read any of it because I/she/we are at a point of formally resolving our differences. We reached concurrence just a couple of days ago on number one what is best for the kids, number two what affords her the brightest possible future, and what I can live with, and frankly nudges me out of inertia and back to life and in a direction I probably will need to go personally, professionally and so on. Details don't matter the sum is best for all involved.

I think in fact going out on top is appropriately symbolic.

I've wanted to write and have written a few scribbles either looking back, pained in the moment or looking forward but none did I publish. To satisfy my urge to write a craigslist ad I read about a husband that was actually looking to have his wife hit on tickled my creative muse. Probably some catharsis involved there, I stole liberally from The Artist's past to flesh out my deficiencies in explaining what it would have been like to grow up a girl with a healthy interest in sexual things. Treaded dangerous ground, probably some of the misconceptions that a person would read into that blog about either her or I if taken in a literal autobiographical way would be a bit embarrassing, but I have aged to the point I really don;t care if someone has an unflattering mis-impression. Plus probably is cathartic to explore an alternate universe where I did "ask for it" in the sense I realize the ways in which I contributed to the outcome here. Well, not meaning this piece to be self analysis so I'll leave it there.

Monogamy Blog is actually despite it all relevant to us. Monogamy isn't easy, it requires a lot of work, and brings immense rewards. Veering from that even by degrees is fraught with peril. One little indiscretion permits the next and so on. When its right though it is indescribably secure.

Her monogamy was pretty inclusive of nearly two decades. I believe that she even held off consummating her new relationship until she had given me a cryptic delivery about "moving on" and wanting a divorce. Even if that sequence is off a couple of months one way or the other, the results are sadly the same. As I told her when she was able to clear the air a bit and unburden her conscience; (something I have had to do in my way numerous times, so I knew the pain that brings.) "I would be sad and upset to see you with another partner even if it occurs quite a while down the road. The fact that you already have someone in mind doesn't alter that fact that I am alone and you have someone. You just have the sequence out of order. Your leaving is the devastating blow. Not the why."

My monogamy, such as it is, is pretty much as it was. I have decided that since I tend to put a lot of significance into the physical, and I know my penchant for wallowing in excessive guilt and self-flagellation (and not the fun kind!) I'd hold off a while till I'm ready. It helps with that goal that I'm in a small town with a five to one male to female ratio! I've had some casual interest from some of the adventurous set here, I wasn't up for it at the time so to speak, but of course it does fuel a certain level of fantasy when I re-consider.

Once, before a date I had scheduled, A friend's girlfriend said, "Good! You NEED to get laid." I explained that that wasn't the point. I just craved long-absent companionship, conversation, and touch.

"You mean you are going to take her out and then NOT fuck her??!? Now that's just RUDE!"

Apparently things have changed in two decades.

Speaking of sluts. My now soon to be ex-wife isn't actually. I wonder sometimes if the new beau assumes that because he was successful in gaining her acceptance of his offer of a new and improved life that she would be susceptible to other entreaties. I notice he tends to, for example, encourage her to stay out of the bars and phones her often from work. She must be a bit tired at times; driving him here and there which takes away a good portion of her idle time. Perhaps that is all just the blush of a new relationship asserting itself where you are kind of inseparable. I worry about control issues, but recognize that it is my own control issues coloring how I see that.

So I see the term: "Slutty wife" popping in from Yahoo. I check. Sure enough Yahoo says that that is not page one material. Keep in mind too, that that ranking such as it is is skewed by my friend with that moniker that has a blog of that name and is in my blogroll, so take that out and it would probably be page 63.

I dunno where I go from here creatively. I thought about fictionalizing here; thought that would look a little clingy (which I am not feeling.) Thought about snarking here. This I won't do. This place was sometimes used to air differences but each gave their view. I won't sully it by insults without her chance to tell her side. I liked the yin and yang of our companion posts. I may occasionally post retrospective pieces if it seems relevant and timely to for example something I read elsewhere. I once wrote in my head a pretty good piece after finally hearing in context over XM Sirrius Sattelite the full un-edited version of Closer by N.I.N. I still might post that it made a nice coda I thought. But maybe this isn't the end. I can still point to great blogs where couples are doing healthy things, scintillating ones were the naughty ones may offer cautionary examples. I dunno.

- The Geek

Complimentary blogging.

Not in the sense of free or gratis, rather actual thoughts about blogging and compliments.

I snippped this as an edit from where the above post started to veer away to specifics. I was outlining regrets that I had if any about the blog and I digressed to a discussion about what I have learned this last year about the value of compliments. Like voting in Chicago, do it early and often.

I was saying how most of my regrets center on not using the things we learned about each other to find ways to better express my love and admiration of my wife. I thought then and now she is sexy as hell, in all of her various shapes and sizes, and moods, and modes of dress. Hell, when I met her she was just about as frumpy as she knows how to be. Peach sweats, tennis shoes. I remember them as K-swiss but I'm probably wrong. I remember impressions and my mind fills in the rest. She remembers precise details or not at all. I remember thinking what a cute girl, what an ugly outfit.

I have a real problem expressing compliments when I do in fact care deeply about how they will be received. I saw the example of my father's trite repetitive, shallow delivery of compliments (That was the best meal ever.) and my mothers frankly bitchy responses to those (how is it different than the same meal I served 10 days ago?). Eventually it degenerated into nearly silent meal times. What I learned was that a compliment has to be different every time and analytical, accurate and impressive.

Hard to do for two decades.

Recently I had a couple of bouts of sadness as I was reminded of this in two different ways.

The first was an over heard conversation where a teenage girl was answering the question posed by her friend, "What does she possibly see in him?" The question was more detailed than that but I am trying to avoid snark here. The gist was that the person was not immediately apparently attractive on really any level, where the "she" certainly is on a lot of levels. The response was, "Well he really loves her and she is really happy lately." Broke my heart. I had thought (and still do) that the effusive references to "That beautiful WHOA-man" as he pronounces it sounded hackneyed and insincere. Why? She is in fact beautiful. Outside as well as inside when she allows herself to be. I fancy myself good with words.

Would it have been so hard to find something, anything to say. I could probably find a dozen ways to say essentially the same thing. I could have complimented her external self in a myriad of ways. This is not the time so I won't wax personal about things that are not my place. But in general from the sensitivity and responsiveness she is blessed with on the physical side to the individual parts that make up the whole. From the straight smallish nose that people go to plastic surgeons to get to her stunted (slightly) toes. Wait that last might not flatter, but you get the idea. Internally, (not that...PERVERT! Well,, sorry I should consider the audience..no offense?) she has a bright mind, incredible recall of dates and names and places. She is a great mother, a responsive and empathic lover, a fierce defender of her friends and her kids and brilliantly creative in word and image. Her sense of space and color is amazing. I can tell when something is 'off' but not what it missing. Anyway the point here is not to get sappy and run on about her qualities which is entirely beside the point at this point.

The second occurrence was a woman I am recently a little taken with. I sense a good heart there, but there is a bit rescuing needed and despite my pangs in that direction, I think it isn't what I have the time, emotional energy, or resources for a project. Still one muses. She has over time over-plucked her brows and unbeknown to me self-conscious about it. They don't look overly plucked to me on close inspection, but are fine, a bit sparse, sure, but what attracted my notice was the lazy-apostrophe shape of them. Like ' turned 90 degrees. I thought she looked puzzled. On the other hand with my long-winded non-sequiturs with deviating asides..(NOT that kind of deviations! Pervert!)...I make a lot of people puzzled. So maybe she was just puzzled.

Another day I saw her her brows were drawn 'properly' (again, I can see whats wrong but not how to make it right generally). I mentioned to her that I had almost said something the other day about them, and that I liked this version better. She smiled and told me about her angst about them and how she had over plucked and can't seem to get them to grow back where she needs them.

I apologized for digging up of a sensitivity. I explained that everyone has a sensitivity about one part of their body or the other. I started to give examples then realized shut up, maybe she doesn't like her ears (cute) or her eyes (soulful) or..well you get the idea. I stopped and said. Wait a minute while I figure out how to best say this.

I came up with something to the effect that we are all given a collection of parts by our Creator, this nose, those eyes, a set of ears, a frame, curves or not and so on. (I truly believe God makes no ugly people. Ugly people are self-creations sometimes with the help of external influences...but that aside I left out)

What I told her was that all of her individual parts would be the envy of someone that wants to change this or that about her. I told her I thought all her individual parts individually and the way they happen to be arranged for her all together were attractive. I was just digging my way out of a hole.

She told me "That is the best compliment I have ever gotten!" I was pleased with myself and thought of Jack Nicholson after paying Helen Hunt a compliment: "I may have overshot............I was aiming for just enough to keep you from heading out that door."

(A must-watch, but surely you've seen it?) I decided that I am going to express every single complimentary thing I think about anyone from now on. Sure I'll look like a schmaltzy lounge lizard hitting on everyone, but to hell with it. Unless their husband/boyfriend/girlfriend of protective neighbor kicks my ass, how is that gonna hurt anyone?

-The Geek