Saturday, January 12, 2008

Negotiating a Sexual and Emotional Minefield. -The Husband

In an earlier post I mentioned all of the subtext that went into a 5 minute blowjob.

There were several things that I realized later but missed at the time. I later came to realize that I was not very present in the moment. I was already in my mind imagining how parts of this was going to look on video. I also missed that she was using her loving supplication to reconnect with me emotionally. It worked even though I was unaware at the time it was needed.

This blowjob from a technical standpoint was superb. Emotionally speaking, even with my having my tracking radar off really did cause us to feel closer emotionally. I think in some ways it led to a cell phone conversation I had with her as I dodged heavy traffic and emotional tiger-pits as she opened up to me about some recent feelings she had had. Blowback from my obsessive tendencies are not unheard of in the past nor unexpected for the future. In the past it starts with an inch. Often she is aware, and if a bit apprehensive, not particularly concerned with a behavior or an interest. Over time though there is this cycle of my need to compartmentalize and keep secrets, and her self loathing (but well justified) need to check up on me.

In the past it has been unhealthy, me with my little secrets, her with a codependemt's anxiety about the "next shoe" to drop. We are trying some openness. I am trying to share as I go, she is trying to keep up. Recently, I had met a woman online that by coincidence lived a a state away that theoretically (if not actually) we could imagine a dashing trip to visit. Her interest aligned with a stated mutual interest that my wife and I had discussed and on an impulse, I gave her my wifes cell number after a quick call to my wife to insure that this was OK. Befuddled she said "OK?" and then realized she had no context no idea about who was going to call or what about and at work to boot, it just was pretty poorly though out. That got sorted eventually and she did enjoy quite a bit the experience, but it led to a phrase we now use.

Picking a town about 3 hours away from us and 1/2 way to that woman's town, my wife explained the situation thusly:

"It's like you are in standing on a corner in Winslow Arizona, telling me you have a date for us across state lines, and I should jump in the Soccer-mom-mobile and meet you there. With you driving the mid-life-crisis-mobile, there is no way I am going to catch up."

So now I keep trying to update the atlas as I call it. Keep her in the loop better. It hasn't helped that our twin laptops are dead. (F.U. HP!!** ) We used to sit side-by side online exploring kink together and posting sequential blog entries about how we viewed what we saw or did. Now we take turns distracting the kids and typing, surfing, flirting, and emailing. Not so much the couple activity that it was.

What was different about me being "out there" this time and her feeling anxious about it, was that She apparently found me to be approachable early, with the first flickers of suspicion, rather than waiting for confirmation. Often times she gives my enough rope to do myself seriously bodily injury when she steps on the rope before the last of it whizzes through the last piton. Great not to plummet off the face, not so pleasant the tight cinch when the rope goes taut.

The conversation this time went so well. She was able to express that she felt me being emotionally disconnected a little like when I have my little secrets. I was able to do an honest self-inventory and knew exactly what had set off alarm bells.

I had been talking to a mutual acquaintance the other day. There are some big red flag issues here. Unlike most people we talk to this woman is part of a local couple we have talked to. One of the few anyway that know they are local to us. In addition, even though we had talked to this couple as a couple and shared interests and such, it seems that more often than not it is I talking to her, with both spouses brought up to speed after the fact. If this was for example a planned meeting between the two couples, it would be a little awkward for everyone if say she and I showed up at the luncheon a couple of hours early and had footsies well underway before the spouses made it to the table. I find a lot of things about this couple and her specifically interesting. In many ways they are like us.

I was sitting home one morning recently wrangling the toddler, and ostensibly working from home. She was in her office ostensibly working. We began a round of emails about Have you ever?/ Would you ever? type discussion and it got pretty interesting.

I at first intended to mention (not every little detail, my wife has asked not to hear these things verbatim) to my wife snippets of our exchange, just enough for my wife to capture her essence.
I wasn't sure how I would tell her with out getting graphic.

The other minor complication was that as I realized I was thinking of one of her online friends as sort of a way to explain to her that my flirtateousness was in the same vein, I suddenly realized that I was rationalizing...If I am not doing anything wrong, why am I worried that she might "take it wrong" or "attach to much significance" to our flirty play.

So when my wife came home for lunch, I stayed mum. I am pretty sure why I did. It was a hotter thing to know these things about her and be one of so few people that do, than to share. I wanted her secrets for my own.

Keeping even small secrets shows, and she knows me well, she read me instantly. Not what the secret was but that there was one. This time, though, unlike other times I have been "caught" there was no blame, guilt, recrimination or shame. We just talked about making sure we connect with each other. It was actually a very sweet moment.

Ofttimes we will talk something like this out and then older issues wriggle in, or future projections rear a menacing shadow. This time we agreed to stop talking about it when we reach a feeling of peace, love and understanding rather than beat ourselves into emotional exhaustion. It is only now a couple days later that I write these things down to be a bit of a touchstone later.

Characterizing the hazardous negotiation of the web as a couple exploring our sexuality She was reminded of "Saving Private Ryan" when they were talking about a high density mixed type mine field. The quote was something about a long list of the sundry types of mines to be found there including "Those little wooden bastards that the minesweepers can't detect."

I sure would hate to take a Bouncing Betty at about crotch height.

**I used to love all things Hewlett Packard and own nothing but. I am typing this on a Hewlett Packard desktop with I kid you not a power supply duct-taped to the outside of the case, the p.o.s. factory installed one failed in like 23 months and the case layout so poorly thought out I cannot both have a CD ROM and a universal power supply installed. I could buy a factory replacement part that will fit the tiny space allocated, but why would I pay extra for poor quality? My HP laptops hard drive failed under warranty, but I had so much data on it, that I refused to send it back and paid full freight for a new hard drive and managed to make the hard drive from the old one function in an IDEE case. Multiple failures of the input socket on both laptops. Ive replaced the power input card in hers twice and repaired it a third time, Finally I gave up on them both and HP forever. It can't be a coincidence that all the HP equipment I have from over 5 years ago works and all the more modern stuff is broken. They need to re0invest some of their marketing budget back into their once well thought of engineering department. It isn't about talking about great products, it's about building great products gentlemen.

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